6-Steps To Use Your Story To Build Your Confidence

On Saturday the 10th of December I hauled my butt over to West London for 9.30am (after less than 6-hours sleep) to attend The Fearless Speaking Academy -Self Development Event of the Year. It was the best £20 I have spent on myself all year. No joke. 

I was moved. I was really moved to the point where I made a plan and took action in less than 24-hours on something I didn't realise I needed to do. I shared my story on my personal FB page today 11.12.2016 (and just as I expected it was uncomfortable)  I did it because that's what real growth is about - getting comfortable with being uncomfortable... 

I wasn’t the confident coach you normally see empowering women to love themselves though; I unlocked the box and let the little vulnerable version of me out - the one who had been silenced and shamed into thinking her story and previous life made her a disgrace and a failure. A person she'd almost forgotten about. 

Your past creates you and shapes you but it doesn't dictate who you can become 

When you are a child, you do what you need to in order to survive. I carefully chose my words there. Because I had to survive my childhood.
I was born to a teen single mother with mental health problems who had low-self esteem and was in the pattern of dating abusive men. I was very young when my brother and I were  removed on a court order from our home for our own safety. I bounced around in care from one foster family to the next for all of my teens, until I was 15 and became an independent minor.  I never got to experience stability or unconditional love. The only family I had was a half- brother who was adopted by another family and after many years we lost touch. He no longer wanted me in his life and after some time, I realised trying to get him to stay in my life wasn't fair - we didn't make each other happy, we had become totally different people. I often wondered if I reminded him of the life he wanted to forget. I had to respect that. I was on my own.

It’s never too late to change 

It took me twenty-five years to pluck up the courage to leave my old life and take responsibility for my own destiny. I stopped allowing my circumstances to keep me in one place.

When I talk about it being ‘no joke’ and that I had to build my confidence up from literally nothing, I am deadly serious. I faked it for so long, on the inside I was crushed, yet I continued to let people people take advantage of me for many years.  I just couldn’t break the cycle. I kept going back to toxic situations and allowing myself to be treated terribly, it’s all I really knew. 

But I was able to break free from it all. 

For me it was about the Feng Shui;  I wasn't in a place that was bringing me peace or happiness, just constant pain, sadness and disappointment, living in the darkness and hiding in the shadows of my secrets. I had to reposition myself and get to a place where the light could enter my life and I could grow. 

I moved away, I started a new life, one where I was in control. I thought I had escaped it all, but your story and your past doesn’t disappear - it stays with you. Habits are formed out of the life you've lived. We don’t always realise what we are doing until it’s too late.  This is why self-development and personal reflection, life coaching, taking care of your mind and body and learning to love your imperfect self is LIFE CHANGING!  

I had to go through all of this before I could become a coach - but even after all that, I still continue to learn and peel back layers from the onion. 

FSA Event Key Takeaway 

The one thing that has always held me back is my story. I’ve never wanted to tell it or use it to help gain an advantage or solicit sympathy. 

I realised yesterday that there is a big difference between seeking sympathy and generating empathy through deeper connections, being vulnerable and being honest.  Once you own your story and use it for good, it no longer owns you. The irony is you are set free from the shackles of your past, the moment you start to tell your story. You can finally be true to yourself, true to others and start to live the life you were destined for. 

The more I share the less of a burden the past becomes.  As a life-long learner, I realised that yesterdays event wasn’t about becoming a public speaker or a story teller, it was about confronting my own edited story and allowing people to see the real me, the real me that I didn't think I needed to reveal.  I need to expose more of my imperfections, more of my insecurities and start embracing my vulnerabilities - after all this has made me who I am. 

Self Development Exercise 

After attending the FSA event I was inspired to take action and push my own personal development to the next level. I created this simple 6-step exercise which I did this morning. 
It will take between 10-15 minutes and a further 5 minutes to complete the final exercise. 

This exact exercise and these steps helped pushed me to post a hugely revealing video about myself onto my FB page. After doing this I could feel a pivotal shift in myself, I realised I had just let go of something I didn't even realise was holding me back. A life changing moment occurred of me - I was set free from my past. 

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View my video on Facebook 

My goal in this blog is to lead by example and demonstrate that even the most confident of women have an ‘edited story’ - head over to my FB page - take a look at the video I posted. I bet you never really expected me to reveal that, look at how now nervous I was!! 

We all have our stories.  

And finally, my second point would be that you should never put yourself through anything in this life if it doesn’t make you feel great. Life doesn’t have to be a battle, you don’t have to hang onto the past, you don't need to fear judgement - just surround yourself with people who respect you. You deserve more out of this life, if you want it you have to reach out and take it. 

As a woman I no longer feel the need to apologise to other women or men for wanting to feel confident in my own skin, to look good, to feel good or live a great life. As long as you are working on what matters on the inside and not hiding behind all the exterior stuff, who cares. It's your life, live your life on your own terms it's too short to do anything else. 

And forget about the past you don’t live there anymore - it’s about the now - the today - your future. 

Roberta x 


Update 18 March 2017

I wanted to give Victoria Baldwin a guest on my podcast show a mention, because in fact she had inspired me before this event to start owing my story. I always kept my past ad childhood in care a secret and I realised I was being selfish and could do more to help people by sharing... so THANK YOU Victoria for inspiring me. x

You can find out more about Roberta Style Lee over on the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

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Exposed - 5 Things That Can Still Knock My Confidence

Cards on the table, I haven't always been the most honest person. I have lied through my teeth for what feels like a lifetime. I'm going to show you my real hand. Some of my friends don't even know this...I was a very frightened, very lonely and extremely confused kid. Growing up I had to work pretty hard to fake my confidence.

My coping mechanism was to radiate confidence, be the fun one, the happy one and show I was able to cope and do my best at all my school activities. I applied myself and through my achievements I got people to focus on what I was good at.  My strategy was to make everyone think I was fine and that everything at home was fine too. I never imagined opening up, being vulnerable and asking for help could be a good thing...

It may explain why at fourteen I chose to go down the performing arts route, I needed to learn how to maintain this illusion. I guess you could say I had to fake it until I could make it.

I have never been good at asking for help or making myself vulnerable. Until now that is.
Despite the fact I am a confidence coach now - I am still vulnerable to knocks. I bruise too. I wanted to write this post to remind people that even the most confident people in this world can be affected by everyday situations.  We may not moan about it, or let you know - but it can still have an affect on us.

Exposed: 5 things that can still knock my confidence: 

• When a friendship I have invested in isn't reciprocated - this always upsets me. 
• When I have poured myself into project only to discover I am the one doing the lion's share. 
• Men. 
• Family. 
• Sickness & death.

Confidence is something that I still have to work at - as you can see from the above - some situations just elude me. Some days my confidence levels are more topped up than others. You heard it here first. I am human. I am not some machine that is 100% confident and operating at 100% confidence in every possible situation I encounter.  No-one is perfect, we all suffer bad days, encounter situations that can trigger insecurities and affect us in different ways.

Here are 5 things I have learnt from the above scenarios: 

• To stop investing my energy into people who are not appreciative of me. I practice gratitude for the friendships I have got and focus on all that I have that is good. 
• I consider my strengths, take stock of my weakness and remember to be more cautious about how much I give and not to surround myself with 'takers'. People that take advantage of my giving nature leave me feeling empty, used and not appreciated. 
• I'm still learning about the way the male mind works... [lol] ask me in another 10 years. Seriously, the biggest lesson I have learnt is to appreciate the differences and open up the lines of communication. You have to be vulnerable and expose yourself, potentially to being hurt. 
• Not everyone is blessed with a strong family bond. Sometimes it is necessary to let go of all the negativity, including family and focus on the people who bring goodness and happiness into your life. 
• I have accepted that sickness and death can happen at any time - and to good people. Life is so precious and we must make the most of it. This is why I chose to live a life on my own terms. 

Ultimately a confidence low will arise when you are in a situation you feel you aren't able to influence or change. Your emotions will get the better of you. You'll lose confidence in your ability to make rational decisions. This happens to the best of us, trust me! 

There will always be some areas in your life that leave you feeling more vulnerable and expose you to lows. That's life. It's what you learn from each situation and how you recover that defines you.

Stay focused and stay fabulous. 

Roberta x 

If you are interested in lifestyle and confidence coaching with me you can head on over to the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk to find out more. 

4 Questions To Ask Yourself When You Make A Mistake

Writing about what I experience in my life and analysing what happens when I do certain things is how I have managed to be stay very level headed.  It gives me the confidence I need to just keep going and not let little matters interfere with the bigger picture. But since I am human and not a robot - I can still be thrown off my guard. 

One of the things that can occur when you get so focused on removing negativity from your life is your brain can go into auto-pilot. Especially the female brain - it is hardwired to refer back to emotional situations that we've experienced previously, or even ones we've been told about - we then compare the likeness and make a decision based on a current situation and lots of scenarios before. Annoyingly it can jump to conclusions. Sometimes we can act in haste to protect ourselves and then - whoops - we realise we were too quick to react. 

It is a perfectly legitimate method and one that I will continue to use. It is however not fool proof. When we add 'emotions' into the mix we tend not to think as rationally as we normally would.

Every once in a while you will encounter a situation that you are not able to fix, console, understand or even relate to. And that's OK. 

The life long learner in me always wants to 'explore further, grasp what is really going on and then get closure' on anything that seems to escape my understanding.

The truth is nobody is perfect. We can all make the wrong assumption about a situation or another person too quickly, we are all capable of acting irrationally at times.

In today's modern world we have added complexities of communication streams going through digital channels - when trying to resolve a situation with someone it is always best done face-to-face. Always. 

When situations like this occur for me, they tend to be matters too close to my heart. I need to step away from it for a few days focus on something else and then take a fresh look at the situation. I always seek an outside perspective and get a non bias point of view. This helps me get my own thoughts and emotions into check. Having a lot of friends and acquaintances that are coaches does help mind you... 

4 Questions To Ask Yourself When You Make A Mistake

• How do you feel about the outcome? 
• Could you have reacted differently? 
• What might you do in a similar situation next time?
• What would you expect to happen next time? 

Everything we experience is an opportunity to learn and grow... we all mistakes but it's what we do afterwards that counts. How we behave and handle a situation defines us more than the situation itself. 

Go forth and be bold, make mistakes and have confidence in yourself that you will learn and be a better person for experiencing it. 

Trust your instincts but be prepared to be wrong - because sometimes...we make mistakes.

If you have ever wondered about about coaching you can find out more here. 


Stay fabulous 

Roberta x 

You can see more over on the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

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5 Things Other People May Think About Your Confidence

Confidence... we talk about it a lot but what does it really mean? It's often confused for a lot of other things that don't sound quite as nice. 

Let's think about all of the reactions we can have when somebody walks into a room with a smile, an ability to hold eye contact, no stuttering, no signs of self-doubt and an abundance of self-belief...

5 Things Other People May Think:

1. They are fake (no-one can be that confident and self-assured...surely?)
2. They are arrogant (they think they are better than everyone else)
3. They are intimidating (their energy and enthusiasm can be overbearing for introverts)
4. They are annoying (their happy vibes with smiles, positive antidotes and jokes can just be 'too much' for some people who are more 'glass half empty')
5. They are self-righteous (being sure of who they are and what they believe in can inspire confidence but it can also alienate some people)

And that's just 5 of the top less desirable reactions that have come up after speaking to lots of coaches. Now there are so many positives but we must also be aware of the confusion that powerful confidence causes. 

So what does confidence really mean - let's take a look at what Google says:

So from this it seems fair to say that confidence is a feeling people can have about you and the state of mind an individual can have when they go about their life. 

When you tap into your confidence supplies you are rewarded with an ability to overcome fears and do what you love without worrying about what others will think, say or do. In life no matter what path you chose you will always encounter 'haters' or 'non-believers' these people tend to be scared to do what you do, their reaction will always try and bring you down.  As your confidence soars - you won't be distracted by this. Instead it will motivate you to help these people use their energy for better things. 

If you are interested in learning more about confidence techniques and maybe even having a sample session with a coach, head on over to my website at: www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

Stay fabulous folks!

Roberta x

You can see more over on the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

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Sustainable Style Challenge - How To Style 3 Items into Multiple Outfits

What is sustainable styling? It's about buying less, buying better quality longer lasting investment pieces and being more creative with what you've already got. When you buy something new challenge yourself to see how many different ways you can style it. If you can create 3-5 solid looks - then it's a no brainer. I was given three different items by DFYNorm ethical fashion brand to review and apply my personal style. My challenge as always was to get 5 looks out of each item without buying anything new. 

So how did I do? 

Well bearing in mind I did not buy anything extra to complete these looks, I only used items I had from the back of the wardrobe. I really challenged myself to utilise what I already had and to be as creative as possible. It was not as easy as I hoped. But I was able to get a good few solid outfits created. The 'old' me would have easily been able to create more looks by simply going out and shopping for new items. But I wanted to avoid going back to those unsustainable shopping behaviours... so this is what I came up with:

You can see that I was able to create multiple looks and my favourites are shown below. 

The IKAT Shorts

The JULIE JUMPSUIT

The WAISTCOAT DRESS

I hope you enjoyed seeing some of the styles I was able to create.  Some of the key pieces I used from my own wardrobe were:

• Suede ankle boots 
• Over the knee suede boots 
• Suede pumps 
• Red leather pumps
• Flat pointed leather shoes 
• Sparkly evening shoes 
• Leather Jacket 
• Black blazer 
• Accessories: burgundy wool hat, cotton scarf, flower garland headpiece, 3 different necklaces, and a costume jewellery ring
• 2 different black leather bags - a multi-use clutch/over body bag, 1 tote. 

The shorts and the jumpsuit were the most versatile pieces - and I just showed a few outfits, but many more options were possible. For example, the shorts could be teamed with tights and a jumper to see you through the winter. The jumpsuit is linen so this is best suited for just the spring and summer months - and the black waistcoat dress would look great with some bright coloured pumps a bright lip, a quiff and some pinup curls. 

If you have any comments or questions on how I styled these items - please just leave me a comment below. 

For a limited time only readers of my blog can get 20% the DFYnorm range by heading over to the website and using the code: RStyleLee at the checkout - this is available until the 30th September 2016. 

If you are interested in the full video DFYnorm review you can check that out over on YouTube.

Stay fabulous ladies!

Roberta 

(Confidence Coach & Stylist)

PS. If you are interested in testing out a FREE confidence coaching and personal styling session just let me know! Visit www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

A Review of DFYnorm Ethical Fashion Range

It's official I have stepped into the world of Youtube... my video review can be viewed below. The sound quality of the video isn't the best, so I apologise for that (the next one will be better I promise) but if you can stick with it you'll hear my thoughts and opinions on the 3 key pieces that I was given to style and review:  

The IKAT Shorts

The JULIE JUMPSUIT

The WAISTCOAT DRESS

For a limited time only readers of my blog can get 20% the DFYnorm range by heading over to the website and using the code: RStyleLee at the checkout - this is available until the 30th September 2016. 

I hope you enjoyed my fashion review of DFYnorm - and you liked all the different looks I was able to create using my 'sustainable styling' method! You can take a closer look at my outfits over my blog post Sustainable Style Challenge - How to Style 3 Key Items into Multiple Outfits

Until next time... 

Stay fabulous ladies!

Roberta 

The Confidence Coach & Stylist

PS. If you are interested in any confidence coaching and personal styling just let me know! Visit www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

You can see more over on the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk and other #RSLRecommended products and services all reviewed and tested by moi.

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Interview with inspirational founder of HER magazine Nineveh Madsen

I have been fortunate enough to meet many inspiring women on my own personal journey whilst evolving and growing my own business. This month’s #inspirationalwoman AND #empoweredwoman kudos goes to Nineveh Madsen the founder of HER magazine. She is gorgeous, talented, has passion and plenty of sass  - and she is unapologetic about being a strong woman with ideas. She exudes a sense of purpose and confidence which is infectious.  Just to warn you - she is smashing it right now - be prepared for a bucket load of awesomeness, insane amounts of classiness and an abundance of beautifulness. Nineveh has arrived with HER magazine and HER crew of amazing women mean business.

You can find out a little bit more about HER magazine and Nineveh by watching this trailer.

The interview 

Me: Thanks for agreeing to be one of my inspirational women interviewed in my new series - so let's kick things off - tell me (and my readers) a little bit more about yourself and your business?

N: I moved around a lot growing up, so I never really had the chance to create close friendships. I had a tough time bouncing around from school to school, and wasn’t exactly the most popular girl. I was the awkward chick, who was teased for being different.

Me: I find that difficult to imagine you exude such confidence now - but behind every successful woman there is always an inspiring story - that I do know. Thank you for letting me interview you. So, tell me more about your journey.

N: I spent a decade working as a journalist for local television stations in Arizona (KYMA, NBC) and Utah (KSTU, FOX). There was a period during my career when I experienced immense anxiety. I felt the pressure of having to perform on a daily basis, and the overbearing feeling of having to emanate perfection. I know it sounds silly to some, but there were so many times I felt incredibly disempowered as a woman in media. I decided in almost an instant that I had to create the change I desired to see in media, instead of wondering why it was the way it was. 

Me: That’s interesting as I imagine a lot of us don’t realise how suffocating working in the media really is.

N: So in 2015 I fired my bosses and set out to launch HER - a digital publication.

Me: Amazing stuff - so when was the official launch? 

N: The official live launch of our website www.hermag.co was August 9th and our monthly digital magazine will debut in the APP store this Fall! I am so excited to finally make this available for women in iTunes and GooglePlay. 

Me: This is so exciting tell me more about what HER magazine is about.

N: Our mission is to UNMAKE TRADITION. I will leave that up for our readers to interpret, but the magazine is about providing a platform for women in business. I don't think we have enough media platforms dedicated to women.

Me: This sounds great - I will be reading the magazine for sure. You seem very ambitious how do you do stay in control, life must get hectic?

N: I need to be better at this. I think we tell ourselves - especially as entrepreneurs that we will find the time to get balanced. My quiet time is during workouts every morning. Lifting weights helps me recharge my batteries. Squeezing in monthly or bi-monthly massages keeps me sane. So does meditation! 

When I get overwhelmed which I think is common these days, I take a step back and take inventory of my blessings and make sure to practice gratitude.

Me: That’s so true - what are your go to activities that make you look good, feel good and feel like you can live a great life? 

N: Lifting weights. I love to push my body. The heavier I can go is a testament to my mental strength and when you're an entrepreneur, you need a lot of inner grit to be able to push through the challenges you face as you build your business. 

I love SPA DAYS ...really if I could, I'd get them once a month. I also absolutely love hiking. There's something calming about nature. I believe success begins with how you take care of yourself. A lot of people have that reversed. They forget to take care of their body and mind first.

Me: And finally what are your top 3 tips for women struggling to do it all, or who are facing issues with their confidence, or even looking to take their confidence to the next level? 

N: I think there's a big difference between doing it all and having it all. Do you really want to DO IT ALL? I don't. You shouldn't either. As women, I think we pressure ourselves to do it all. 

I know that many women also struggle with confidence. One of my mentors told me something that really stuck with me. She said, "confidence comes from competence." Just know that confidence will come with time. 

I know that many women also have self-esteem issues (I've been there) ...this comes down to one thing. LOVING YOURSELF. 

Also, I'd tell them to surround themselves with people who LOVE THEMSELVES. It has a way of rubbing off. And always remember that your thoughts are powerful. Your thoughts become things and those things shape your life. 

Me: That's a great message and one that I like to emphasise to the women I work with. Success starts with taking care of yourself and believing in your own thoughts and actions. I've made an awful lot of mistakes on my journey but it's also given me more confidence because I have 'lived through it'. Indeed having women like you in my circle helps me stay motivated and keep pushing forward. Thank you so much for your time - I know you are busy with HER mag and million other things, so I really appreciate you taking time our to be part of the #inspirationalwomen series.

And that concludes the awesome interview with the insanely motivated and effortlessly confident Nineveh. Now you’ve learnt more about her, head on over to the www.hermag.co and check it out. 

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You can find out more about confidence coaching and personal styling over on the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk. I also review products and services that aim to help women look good, feel good, or live great - you can see these reviews on the blog. 

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