6-Steps To Use Your Story To Build Your Confidence

On Saturday the 10th of December I hauled my butt over to West London for 9.30am (after less than 6-hours sleep) to attend The Fearless Speaking Academy -Self Development Event of the Year. It was the best £20 I have spent on myself all year. No joke. 

I was moved. I was really moved to the point where I made a plan and took action in less than 24-hours on something I didn't realise I needed to do. I shared my story on my personal FB page today 11.12.2016 (and just as I expected it was uncomfortable)  I did it because that's what real growth is about - getting comfortable with being uncomfortable... 

I wasn’t the confident coach you normally see empowering women to love themselves though; I unlocked the box and let the little vulnerable version of me out - the one who had been silenced and shamed into thinking her story and previous life made her a disgrace and a failure. A person she'd almost forgotten about. 

Your past creates you and shapes you but it doesn't dictate who you can become 

When you are a child, you do what you need to in order to survive. I carefully chose my words there. Because I had to survive my childhood.
I was born to a teen single mother with mental health problems who had low-self esteem and was in the pattern of dating abusive men. I was very young when my brother and I were  removed on a court order from our home for our own safety. I bounced around in care from one foster family to the next for all of my teens, until I was 15 and became an independent minor.  I never got to experience stability or unconditional love. The only family I had was a half- brother who was adopted by another family and after many years we lost touch. He no longer wanted me in his life and after some time, I realised trying to get him to stay in my life wasn't fair - we didn't make each other happy, we had become totally different people. I often wondered if I reminded him of the life he wanted to forget. I had to respect that. I was on my own.

It’s never too late to change 

It took me twenty-five years to pluck up the courage to leave my old life and take responsibility for my own destiny. I stopped allowing my circumstances to keep me in one place.

When I talk about it being ‘no joke’ and that I had to build my confidence up from literally nothing, I am deadly serious. I faked it for so long, on the inside I was crushed, yet I continued to let people people take advantage of me for many years.  I just couldn’t break the cycle. I kept going back to toxic situations and allowing myself to be treated terribly, it’s all I really knew. 

But I was able to break free from it all. 

For me it was about the Feng Shui;  I wasn't in a place that was bringing me peace or happiness, just constant pain, sadness and disappointment, living in the darkness and hiding in the shadows of my secrets. I had to reposition myself and get to a place where the light could enter my life and I could grow. 

I moved away, I started a new life, one where I was in control. I thought I had escaped it all, but your story and your past doesn’t disappear - it stays with you. Habits are formed out of the life you've lived. We don’t always realise what we are doing until it’s too late.  This is why self-development and personal reflection, life coaching, taking care of your mind and body and learning to love your imperfect self is LIFE CHANGING!  

I had to go through all of this before I could become a coach - but even after all that, I still continue to learn and peel back layers from the onion. 

FSA Event Key Takeaway 

The one thing that has always held me back is my story. I’ve never wanted to tell it or use it to help gain an advantage or solicit sympathy. 

I realised yesterday that there is a big difference between seeking sympathy and generating empathy through deeper connections, being vulnerable and being honest.  Once you own your story and use it for good, it no longer owns you. The irony is you are set free from the shackles of your past, the moment you start to tell your story. You can finally be true to yourself, true to others and start to live the life you were destined for. 

The more I share the less of a burden the past becomes.  As a life-long learner, I realised that yesterdays event wasn’t about becoming a public speaker or a story teller, it was about confronting my own edited story and allowing people to see the real me, the real me that I didn't think I needed to reveal.  I need to expose more of my imperfections, more of my insecurities and start embracing my vulnerabilities - after all this has made me who I am. 

Self Development Exercise 

After attending the FSA event I was inspired to take action and push my own personal development to the next level. I created this simple 6-step exercise which I did this morning. 
It will take between 10-15 minutes and a further 5 minutes to complete the final exercise. 

This exact exercise and these steps helped pushed me to post a hugely revealing video about myself onto my FB page. After doing this I could feel a pivotal shift in myself, I realised I had just let go of something I didn't even realise was holding me back. A life changing moment occurred of me - I was set free from my past. 

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View my video on Facebook 

My goal in this blog is to lead by example and demonstrate that even the most confident of women have an ‘edited story’ - head over to my FB page - take a look at the video I posted. I bet you never really expected me to reveal that, look at how now nervous I was!! 

We all have our stories.  

And finally, my second point would be that you should never put yourself through anything in this life if it doesn’t make you feel great. Life doesn’t have to be a battle, you don’t have to hang onto the past, you don't need to fear judgement - just surround yourself with people who respect you. You deserve more out of this life, if you want it you have to reach out and take it. 

As a woman I no longer feel the need to apologise to other women or men for wanting to feel confident in my own skin, to look good, to feel good or live a great life. As long as you are working on what matters on the inside and not hiding behind all the exterior stuff, who cares. It's your life, live your life on your own terms it's too short to do anything else. 

And forget about the past you don’t live there anymore - it’s about the now - the today - your future. 

Roberta x 


Update 18 March 2017

I wanted to give Victoria Baldwin a guest on my podcast show a mention, because in fact she had inspired me before this event to start owing my story. I always kept my past ad childhood in care a secret and I realised I was being selfish and could do more to help people by sharing... so THANK YOU Victoria for inspiring me. x

You can find out more about Roberta Style Lee over on the website at www.robertastylelee.co.uk 

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